Discerning A Call to Marriage

Victoria Jamieson-Drake, Assistant for Pastoral Ministries

Twenty-two years ago today, August 8, David and I were married. Eleven months prior to that we had met at Yale Divinity School. It was David's final year of seminary and my first. Steeped in our seminary training, we approached the prospect of marriage (if rather speedily) very prayerfully, asking God's guidance. We also consulted with our seminary community, family, and friends as we sought clarity in discerning a call to marriage. Henri Nouwen, who was on the faculty at the time, had us for breakfast one morning to encourage us to take our time, saying, by way of example, that before making final vows in a religious order, an individual takes six years of prayerful discernment. To balance this advice, my grandmother weighed in (from Ohio) with her own opinion. She was opposed to long engagements, believing they were too hard on the couple! It is needless to say that we followed my grandmother's advice and were married that summer.

Though we didn't take six years of discernment before marrying, we did take Henri's counsel to heart. The methods of discernment taught in religious orders to clarify vocation are applicable in the process of discerning a call to marriage as well as other life decisions. The process is both individual and communal; the internal sense of call is confirmed by one's faith community.

In their book, Eyes to See, Ears to Hear: An Introduction to Ignatian Spirituality (Traditions of Christian Spirituality) authors David Lonsdale and Philip Sheldrake write about a method of spiritual discernment. “Discernment of spirits in everyday life involves us in a process of sifting our daily experiences by noting and reflecting regularly on our affective responses to God and to life and its events. It means noting, for example, situations and events in which we experience joy or sorrow, peace or turmoil, attractions or revulsions, an opening out to others or a narrowing in on ourselves, a sense of God's presence or absence, creativity or destructiveness. The purpose of observing and reflecting on these patterns of responses is that they deepen our sense of ourselves and they can show us where, for each of us, our Christian path lies, where the Spirit of God is leading.” (p. 95)

In Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer emphasizes that the first step in the process of discernment is to know oneself, one's nature, as created by a loving God, accepting both one's limitations and gifts. These examples help us discover who we are. When are you most at peace, most joyful, most open to others, most aware of God's grace? In the movie Chariots of Fire, one of the characters, a son of a Scottish Presbyterian minister, tries to explain to his father his sense of vocation as a runner. His father could not understand this passion that eventually would lead him to a spot on the British Olympic Team. After extended attempts to explain himself, he finally says, “When I run, I can feel God's pleasure.” This is a good measure, confirmation of the Spirit's delight. When we live as the people we're divinely created to be, God smiles.

Secondary to knowing oneself, then, is to answer what life choices support you in being true to God's purpose. And because we are people in community, how will your life choices impact others? The question of whether or not to marry is part of this secondary process. Would marriage enable you to live authentically as the person God created? Would marriage strengthen you in your life in Christ, help you be a better disciple?

To answer these questions, one must also consider what marriage entails. The Prayer Book describes marriage as, “The union of husband and wife, in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in
prosperity and adversity; and when it is God's will, for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord.” It is a commitment between a man and a woman to love, honor, care for, and be faithful to one another as long as they both shall live.

When discerning whether or not to marry, one must contemplate all aspects of marriage and the commitment required. Does imagining oneself in these roles bring a sense of peace and of joy, an inner confirmation of God's pleasure? Through this relationship are you and your marriage partner more open to God and better able to “reach out in love and concern to others” (marriage liturgy, The Book of Common Prayer, p. 229). Is the rightness of your relationship affirmed by your community of faith and by those who know and love you best? Does your relationship not only bless you but others?

As you contemplate marriage or any other of life's daunting decisions, remember that you are sustained by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit who “working in us, can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine.”